I consider myself a forward thinker and a feminist so it's been hard feeling okay saying, "I want to stay home."
I've always felt like I've been waiting for my calling. When I was a sophomore in high school I wanted to be an ob/gyn. I wanted to help women in their times of need. I wanted to usher children into the world and help change people lives. Then I realized I'd have to spend forever in school, and I hated being in school.
Then I decided I wanted to be in musical theater. This was a fine idea other than the fact that for all the things I auditioned for I never was cast. Sure I was Alice in Alice in Wonderland, but that was for drama class. The big after school productions... those are the ones I always wanted to be in. I did have one speaking role in The Sound of Music, my entire line was... wait for it.
"Maria!"
Even if I couldn't get cast in an actual production I didn't let that get me down. I knew I had talent. So I went off to college and became a vocal performance major. All was going pretty well, I had almost all A's and B's, and then I my vocal jury.
Jury was a big deal. You have three songs and get to sing two. You sing for all of the voice faculty in the music school. So 7 professionals are staring at you, taking notes the whole time. Then when you finish there is no applause. Just silence as you prepare your next piece. Once you're all done they say, "Thank you," and it's all over.
Most kids meet with their voice tutors before the semester is over to discuss their jury scores (before registering for Spring semester). I didn't do that. I went in the first day of classes in January and found out that I didn't pass my jury to the next level. They gave me A's and B's on my performance but said they "didn't hear the performance in my voice." I now had the option of staying in school longer to try again at getting into MUS134 or I could change my major.
I changed my major and tried to keep up with music, but my soul was crushed. I was told that my instrument, my voice, wasn't good enough for my dreams. I gave up.
I know now that they were right. I never was going to be an opera singer. My voice wasn't meant for that. I was meant for musical theater, but at the time they didn't have a program. I ended up changing my major to Plant Science. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I just picked a major because that's was I was supposed to do. Get an education, get a job, blah blah blah.
So here I am, two years after graduating and I still don't have career aspirations. After a lot of soul searching I discovered that I was just working dead-end part-time jobs because that's was I was supposed to do.
Well, fuck it!
Is it wrong if my drive is to stay home and have children? I feel like I'm saying eff you to feminism and I don't like feeling that way. I am a feminist. I firmly believe in women's rights and equality. I love that women can "Have it all" and I want them to have it all. So is it wrong of me to not want it all? Is it wrong to want to be a housewife?
I've never wanted much. I never wanted a career (but I do want health insurance). I just want a family. I suck at having jobs. Like I am just not good at it. I'm a hard worker but I have authority issues. Rather, I have issues with superiority complexes.
I feel like by being a housewife I'm saying I'm not good enough for the 'real world'. So what if I'm not cut out for careers. I know I'm going to make one hell of a mother eventually.
I have the opportunity to start a family and take care of them. That sounds like a pretty amazing job to me. I believe that by living my life the way I want to is the most feminist thing I could do. Women can do anything and this woman wants to stay at home.
I may be a housewife, but I'll always be a feminist.
