Pregnancy and body image

I promise that my next post will be fun, creative and not serious. But for today, you're going to have to deal with a little bit of seriousness.

I'll start with some good news just to get us started. Now that I've officially entered my 5th month of pregnancy I'm starting to feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I can finally eat what I would like to (for the most part, still no turkey sandwiches :-( ) and I don't throw up nearly as much as I used to. I still have not so good days, but they are thankfully fewer and farther between. I've got a ton more energy and I'm starting to feel like me again which after 4 months of feeling like hungover zombie, I'm more than thankful for.

But there are other issues I'm struggling with.

You may or may not know this about me, but I suffer from really low self-esteem and complete lack of healthy body image. I've felt fat for as long as I can remember. Like all the way back to being 11.

I had a chubby phase in elementary school and was made fun of about it. Kids would moo at me, tell me to eat the salad bar but then tell me not to eat it all. I once had a girl tell me in the most disgusted manner she could muster that she saw how much butter I put on my bread. I was in 4th grade at the time and it really messed up my psyche. I also had an older brother who used every opportunity to remind me that I was fat. After a couple years of this, I began to believe them. Everyone must be seeing something that I don't. They must be right.

After I went through puberty and grew a few inches I wasn't fat anymore but I still felt like it. In fact, most people would probably say I'm thin-ish. I'm only 5'3" and in high school weighed 115lbs. I was too fat then. I was too fat in college when I weighed 125 lbs.

At one point in college I had gained the dreaded freshIman 15 putting me at 138 lbs and one of Collin's friends remarked to him that, "Man, Jenessa's gotten fat." Collin then for some reason decided to tell me this information. My relationship with that friend of his was never the same after that.

After Collin's friend said I was fat, 138 became my 'scary weight'. That's the weight I feel essentially obese at. Sadly, at that weight my BMI is a little over 25 so I'd barely be considered over weight.

Obviously these body issues are all in my head...

And now I'm pregnant. My body is practically changing daily and it's been really hard for me. I felt 15lbs over weight before I got pregnant. Remember this post? Literally days after I wrote that I found out I was pregnant. A week after that began the epic battle with morning sickness.

So I started this whole pregnancy thing in an uncomfortable place body wise. I'm currently 140lbs. The exact same weight I was when I got pregnant 17 weeks ago. I'm grateful for that. But I'm still mourning the loss of my body.

Being pregnant is a beautiful and magical thing and I'm blessed to be creating life, but it's also hard having a closet full of clothes and having nothing fit. It's depressing walking into a store and suddenly not knowing what size to try on.

Okay, enough whining. I just had to write this in case there are other pregnant ladies out there struggling with this too.

Leap Year Thoughts on being pregnant

I figured I should write a post today as my next opportunity to write a post on February, 29th is another four years away.

I feel bad for complaining so much about being pregnant. I'm honestly just struggling with giving up my body to a foreign being. I've never been good at sharing, so giving up my well-being for a critter the size of a grape is new territory. At least it's the internet says it's the size of a grape right now. I've noticed a disturbing trend where embryo's/fetus' are classified by what food they're closest to in size. Maybe food is the only universal sizing people can agree on.

I went from having a poppy seed, to a pea, to a bean, and now a grape. I have a friend who is 8 weeks ahead of me and apparently she's in avocado territory. I find this really weird. Something about comparing unborn children to foods just freaks me out.

I digress.

I thought I'd take the time to write about a few things I actually like about being pregnant so far. This list isn't going to be the longest list in existence, but there are a few things so far that are pretty neat.

1. Cleavage: I have some for the first time in my life. Sure my coat almost doesn't button over my chest anymore, but winter is almost over anyway so who cares?
2. It doesn't matter if I didn't do the dishes: I have a completely legitimate excuse. I'm creating life and can't handle the sights and smells or the sink anymore.
3. My husband is still beyond awesome: I knew this before I got pregnant, but now I see more examples everyday of how amazing he is. This man is doting, and caring, and will rub my back when I have gas. That's love. 
4. Being part of a new club: Being pregnant gets you entrance into the Mom Club. You can now join friends and family who are parents in discussing various aspects of family life. Family life/parenting info is pretty boring to those who are single or not pregnant. 
5. Special moments with my Scheherazade kitty: I'm up in the middle of the night and so is she. We play, we bond. It's lovely. She's also my napping/sleeping buddy so I always have company. I love that little kitty. She seriously brings me immeasurable joy.
6. Finger talons: I'd call then nails but that doesn't do anything to suggest the hard and magnificent nature of my fingernails at the moment. I now have nails that are difficult to bite, which is a great deterrent as a nail biter. They aren't completely indestructible as I did break my left thumb nail twice while bowling. The fact that I had enough nail to break it twice should say something. Prenatal vitamins are kind of amazing. 
7. Drinking a crap ton of ginger ale is considered fine to help with nausea. Which is awesome. Seeing as I feel bad for having one soda normally, now I can just drink what I need to to settle my stomach. Awesome.
8. Midnight snacks are actually encouraged.
9. Now that I think about it again, having cleavage is still pretty awesome, so I'll list it twice.
10. I can use snarky quotes from Juno like, "I'm a sacred vessel, all you've got in your stomach is taco bell." Or "My eggo is preggo."

Well that's all I got for now. I finally finished my middle of the night yogurt ritual so it's time for me to crawl back into bed and hope for another 4 to 5 hours of sleep if I'm lucky. 

Happy Leap Day!

Middle of the night ponderings

Tonight has been a rough night. I'm trying not to whine about being pregnant, but honestly, so far it's really hard work.

Before I got pregnant I knew morning sickness existed. I just underestimated how bad it could be. I'm used to being nauseous and vomiting. As I have crohn's disease, I'm not new to this ball game. I'm just not used to it being practically incurable.

With Crohn's I'm able to find relief. I can avoid what's causing the upset. I can take copious amounts of drugs to fix what ails me.  I can't seem to do this while being pregnant.

I've read that now that I'm entering 9 weeks, the placenta should start making some hormones soon and I should start to feel better in 4 or 5 weeks. Seeing as I've felt this way for 4 or 5 weeks, I feel like I can handle the tail end of this wild ride.

My new mantra is, "You just have to make it to you're birthday next month. See how you feel then."

Having a day in mind seems to help. Something to look forward to. Even if I don't feel great on my birthday, I'll at least be 4 weeks farther along and hopefully 4 weeks closer to eating real food again. My eating habits have changed so drastically, I don't even know who I am anymore. My grocery store game plan is completely different from what it used to be. What used to be veggies and meat has been replaced by processed potatoes and ginger ale. I never used to eat yogurt, now I eat at least one a day.

And my poor, poor husband. He went from having a housewife who cooked every night to a housewife who refuses to enter the kitchen. I can hardly open the fridge, let alone look at the dishes. He's gained weight while I've lost. He's such a trooper, and I honestly couldn't ask for a more supportive husband.

Even if I snap at him about silly things like always using the fan while cooking, he's still so patient. I swear I can smell the heat coming off the stove and it makes me feel sick and he just listens and turns the fan on. He tries his best to suggest foods to me, even though nine times out of ten I don't want what he suggests. He runs to the store when I run out of ginger ale. He is wonderful and I'm proud to be making our baby.

Now if I could just stop feeling so sick, all would be right in the world.

Valentine's Day

It's 2am on Valentine's Day and I'm dealing with an epic case of nighttime morning sickness. It started with my evening snack and has continued thru my midnight snack. Not exactly how I planned to spend my early Valentine's Day, but c'est la vie.

I went downstairs to get  my midnight snack and found my husband had gotten my some potted lilies for V-Day. I felt like a naughty child peeking at my Christmas presents. But they are beautiful and smell even better so I'm trying not to beat myself up about it.

Valentine's Day is so different this year. Usually we drive up to Spokane and have brunch where we got married/engaged, but this year it just didn't seem like a good idea. Going to an all you can eat brunch with unlimited mimosas when you can't eat or drink anything just didn't sound like a good use of money. I honestly felt like it would be a waste.

So Collin is making me Toad in a Hole (egg in a basket to some) for breakfast tomorrow. I'm hoping my stomach will cooperate as I do love a good toad in a hole. My love also plans on making dinner. I do hope that I feel well enough to enjoy in the day.

I had hoped to do something for Collin, but it seems I lack the energy to even do things for myself these days. I'm hoping I'll dream something up that will be perfect. It's the little things in life and this day is all about reminding your loved ones how much you care. I know I can figure out a way to do that.

Well, it's 2:15 and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Time to put another episode of Gossip Girl on netflix and hit the hay.

You're killing me, smalls!

Hi, readers. I have some exciting news! I've been trying to keep my mouth shut, but I just can't any longer.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today!

I was hoping to hold out mentioning anything until 12 weeks or we heard a heart beat after past experiences, but when you're excited it's nice to share good news.

Oh, and I'm dying of morning sickness and I don't think I can hide it anymore.

Add a bathrobe and a layer of sweat and it's pretty close to what I look like.

As a food blogger/general lover of food I'm pretty miserable. At the moment food is both my best friend and my mortal enemy, which I'm finding a hard line to walk.

I have to keep eating every 3 hours. Somewhat like the movie Speed, if my blood sugar drops to a certain level I explode in a storm of upchucking that would make even the skinniest model both nervous and proud. At one point in time I was worried I ruptured a blood vessel near my eyebrow as every time I'd have a bout of morning sickness it felt like my skull was trying to find a way through my skin and escape my body entirely. I don't blame it for trying.

Once this ick sets in, I know I need to eat something.
But once the ick sets in, nothing sounds good. Even things that sound good, once you're faced with them become intolerable. I have a few constant friends so far, bagels and cheerios. Two things that once eaten will keep me in a reasonably good mood for at least 3 hours.

One day baby carrots were my savior, last night they were my downfall.

I wake up every morning and tell myself that the awful sickness I feel is in fact a comforting reassurance that I'm still pregnant. I tell myself when I wake up in the middle of the night that I'm baking a damn good bun, and that I'll hopefully feel better in 6 weeks or so. I'm also secretly hoping my blood work will come back saying I'm farther along than I really am and that the end of morning sickness is near. A girl can wish.

Then I ponder all the women before me who've made it through this before or who have had it worse. I think of their strength and try to use it to bolster my own. I think of the women who so desperately wish they could feel morning sickness but have to fight just to get pregnant. I think of their strength and keep fighting for them, not wasting the gift I've been given.

Despite what anyone might tell you, getting pregnant is not easy*. Being pregnant isn't easy either.

* It seems like if you're trying it's not easy, but once you stop trying you get knocked up. That's been my experience anyway. It's pretty much a crap shoot.

Pregnant for a day

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We haven't been trying very long and when I found out on Sunday the 20th I was pregnant we were both incredibly happy. But something just didn't feel right. We told our parents even though our guts said not to. I spent all day Monday calling midwives in the area and setting up appointments.

Then I started bleeding last night. Just like a period. Now I kick myself for taking that stupid pregnancy test. Had I waited for my period to be a week late and then taken the test, well, I wouldn't have had to take the test at all! I would have just thought that my period was extremely late.

Instead I feel like a failure.

I KNOW that these things happen. I KNOW I am lucky that it happened so early on, but it doesn't make the sting any less.

When I told my mom that I was bleeding I could hear in her voice how disappointed she was. Not in me, but in losing the grandchild she never had.

It went from having exciting Thanksgiving news to explaining to family that I miscarried. I. Miscarried.

Not the embryo spontaneously aborted, I miscarried. Just the name implies that you did it to yourself.

I'm sure there are people out there that would say this is my payback for having an abortion at 22. I'm sticking with cruel fate. Some things are meant to be, some aren't. Me having a baby in July just is something that isn't meant to be for now.

My husband is taking it well. We both feel that this is a blessing to allow us to save up more money and become more settled. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's hard right now.

How can you grieve for something you never really had in the first place?

I know eventually I'll be a mom, and honestly I'm in no rush. I'm happy to have a little more time, but sad too.

I am not alone, and I am not the first woman to miscarry. I will make it through this and in the end I'll have a beautiful family.