I don't want to grow up...

...But I'm pretty sure I did anyway.

I'm at this weird stage in my life where I still feel like I'm 21 and invincible, but at the same time I'm starting to feel old. Not like elderly old. Just older.

I know I'm only 25, but I'm now starting to look back at my college years and they're beginning to feel light years away. So much changes so quickly. My husband and I are both having health problems where it used to just be me. We're worrying about things like cholesterol and antioxidants which makes it hard to focus on fun things. Which brings me to my next point:

I think I'm turning into a hermit. What was fun three years ago just isn't as fun now.  I just love being home. The food is awesome and cheap, the entertainment is always exactly what I want to watch, and the only person I have to deal with is the man I signed up to deal with crap with.

When we do go out, especially if there are loads of people, I just feel overwhelmed. Where we live doesn't help either. There are few entertaining things actually in the area. Most things are either in Spokane or Seattle which is a 3+ hour drive either way. Once you factor in fuel and food, a trip to either becomes a mini vacation in cost. When you're two people living on one income, you have to get creative with what defines your entertainment.

Streaming Netflix is a god send. As I type I am watching part 3 of the BBC Daniel Deronda with Hugh Dancy. Would I have ever rented this? Probably not, but it's there and I'm watching it and I'm happy. For only $8 a month, it's totally worth it.

We've also found a love for board/video games. It turns out that I'm really good at Uno and Battle of the Sexes. I've also discovered that some video games cause me to have anxiety issues so I need to avoid them. Anything where I have to sneak up and kill something is a problem.

It's like hide and seek all over again  - I'm hiding, the person is right there, and I feel I'm about to pee myself. Killing things guns blazing, however, is not a problem.

I'm off to find new ideas to keep me busy at the casa.

Personal Epiphany: I'm a curmudgeon.

There's another facebook game going on about breast cancer. This time you take your shoe size and add inches and then the amount of time it takes you to do your hair in the morning. So you end up with something like 6 inches and 30 minutes. This is to make people think something sexy.

In the name of breast cancer awareness.

What really pisses me off is that no one is mentioning breasts or breast cancer. I fail to see how it promotes breast cancer awareness by saying something stupid to keep men guessing. Wouldn't it make more sense to post in your status:

" It's breast cancer awareness month; take a moment to get to know your breasts or talk to cancer survivors. Get a mammogram and learn more on how to be proactive about your health!"

So I posted on my facebook how I thought it was stupid. Then a few moments later the person who sent me the silly message of breast cancer awareness posted that it's all fun and games to promote awareness.

Well, my mother-in-law died from breast cancer. If you don't know this already, cancer is not funny. It's scary, depressing and watching someone die from is still the hardest thing I've ever done.

I've over playing games. I hate those little pink ribbons pretending like they're helping. We need to teach women to examine their breasts and be honest with themselves and their doctors.

Show some self love and grab a handful. Knowing your breasts could save your life.

So fine, I'm a curmudgeon.

Feminism, careers, and being a housewife

I'm just now coming up terms with being a housewife.

I consider myself a forward thinker and a feminist so it's been hard feeling okay saying, "I want to stay home."

I've always felt like I've been waiting for my calling. When I was a sophomore in high school I wanted to be an ob/gyn. I wanted to help women in their times of need. I wanted to usher children into the world and help change people lives. Then I realized I'd have to spend forever in school, and I hated being in school.

Then I decided I wanted to be in musical theater. This was a fine idea other than the fact that for all the things I auditioned for I never was cast. Sure I was Alice in Alice in Wonderland, but that was for drama class. The big after school productions... those are the ones I always wanted to be in. I did have one speaking role in The Sound of Music, my entire line was... wait for it.

"Maria!"

Even if I couldn't get cast in an actual production I didn't let that get me down. I knew I had talent. So I went off to college and became a vocal performance major. All was going pretty well, I had almost all A's and B's, and then I my vocal jury.

Jury was a big deal. You have three songs and get to sing two. You sing for all of the voice faculty in the music school. So 7 professionals are staring at you, taking notes the whole time. Then when you finish there is no applause. Just silence as you prepare your next piece. Once you're all done they say, "Thank you," and it's all over.

Most kids meet with their voice tutors before the semester is over to discuss their jury scores (before registering for Spring semester). I didn't do that. I went in the first day of classes in January and found out that I didn't pass my jury to the next level. They gave me A's and B's on my performance but said they "didn't hear the performance in my voice." I now had the option of staying in school longer to try again at getting into MUS134 or I could change my major.

I changed my major and tried to keep up with music, but my soul was crushed. I was told that my instrument, my voice, wasn't good enough for my dreams. I gave up.

I know now that they were right. I never was going to be an opera singer. My voice wasn't meant for that. I was meant for musical theater, but at the time they didn't have a program. I ended up changing my major to Plant Science. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I just picked a major because that's was I was supposed to do. Get an education, get a job, blah blah blah.

So here I am, two years after graduating and I still don't have career aspirations. After a lot of soul searching I discovered that I was just working dead-end part-time jobs because that's was I was supposed to do.

Well, fuck it!

Is it wrong if my drive is to stay home and have children? I feel like I'm saying eff you to feminism and I don't like feeling that way. I am a feminist. I firmly believe in women's rights and equality. I love that women can "Have it all" and I want them to have it all. So is it wrong of me to not want it all? Is it wrong to want to be a housewife?

I've never wanted much. I never wanted a career (but I do want health insurance). I just want a family. I suck at having jobs. Like I am just not good at it. I'm a hard worker but I have authority issues. Rather, I have issues with superiority complexes.

I feel like by being a housewife I'm saying I'm not good enough for the 'real world'. So what if I'm not cut out for careers. I know I'm going to make one hell of a mother eventually.

I have the opportunity to start a family and take care of them. That sounds like a pretty amazing job to me. I believe that by living my life the way I want to is the most feminist thing I could do. Women can do anything and this woman wants to stay at home.

I may be a housewife, but I'll always be a feminist.

Take this Job and Shove it.

I quit my job almost two months ago. My boss was pretty demanding and I wasn't ready to be ordered to respect someone. So I took another job... at home.

After much begging with my husband I was able to convince him to let the house be my job. I now fill my days with baking bread and netflix online. I am also blogging on bitchbuzz.com in their home section. I'm pretty damn proud of that.

Other than that life is mellow. Nothing is different now that I'm married other than I got a new last name. I was pretty stoked to lose my maiden name. I had childhood traumas from kids making fun of my last name.

In other news, the o on my keyboard broke on and now that little rubber nipple thingy is also about to fall off. Why did it have to be a vowel? Seriously?

Well, it's time to watch some more Lost. It's the newest show to watch before bed. This has resulted in 2 plane wreck dreams and 1 dream of driving down the beach with the car getting washed away into the water. Probably not the smartest thing, but the show is so damn good!

Down Trodden

In May I applied for a job at a large winery where I live. I had a phone interview and a face-to-face interview that both seemed to go well. My whole family was pumped, I was pumped. It seemed like the ticket out of my current situation of not making enough money to afford myself.

I got an e-mail a few days ago letting me know I didn't get the job. This is understandable as the job market is tight. I keep reminding myself I should be so happy that I even have a job. My job is actually quite enjoyable, and when I get enough hours I almost make enough to survive.

The only problem I have with my job is my boss. He's an incredibly charismatic person, but he doesn't always go by the book. There's nothing illegal going on, he just likes to ignore company policy and make up his own rules. Often to the detriment of the company.

At the end of the day I work at a business and if you sell something at cost, you can't make any money. Sure it makes you look awesome to give a customer a discount, but when it cuts into the bottom-line it's a problem.

I like to be right. I like to do things correctly. You know, get it right the first time. I've always felt that as an employee I was there to provide a service to the company. Currently I work retail and the service I'm providing is fairly simple; meet customers needs while also serving the company's bottom-line. To help the bottom-line, I make sure that I'm incredibly efficient so as not to waste the company's money (my paycheck). Sadly my boss, who is the son of the president of the company, sees the store as his own personal popularity machine.

I do my best to clean up after him and my coworker, constantly running around double checking paperwork and making sure that everything gets to where to needs to be. I find this consumes most of my time. It frustrates me.

I want a smooth running retail machine and I have a machine that desperately needs a new engine. Sadly, I'm just the oil and easily replaced.

Decisions, Decisions. + Wedding/Honeymoon stuff

I am officially married now. Nothing feels different, it just feels like my dearest finally has a ring that always seemed to be missing. It feels like home.

Our wedding was absolutely amazing. Everything worked out, everyone had a great time and we ended up with some awesome stories to share. I have almost 800 pictures from the day and I will eventually get around to posting some. I still feel like the wedding was too much to sum up in a blog post or a story. It was magic and it's still hard to believe that such a beautiful day was meant for me. I was so happy to feel so much love in one room. Not only the love Collin and I share, but also the great love stories of our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. It was perfect. I hesitate to use that word, but it truly was.

Sure, there are things I would do different if I could, but it was super special even with misadventures.

Our honeymoon was also amazing and beautiful. We had some amazing adventure the most exciting of which was our helicopter ride over Maui, Moloka'i and Lana'i. We were going to go on a Zipline trip, but they were all booked up. As the zipline would have cost about $400 for the two of us, we thought, 'Hey, why don't we just add that money to our helicopter trip we wanted?".

So, Collin bought first class tickets and we got to see some of the most breathtaking sights. Whales, waterfalls, sunken battleships, and 3000ft sea cliffs. The world is such a wonderful place if you have the opportunity to slow down and just take it all in. Pictures also to come.

Sadly, in the hustle and bustle of trying to get back to our apartment I left my computer at my mom's house. So I have to use to work computer or Collin's and it's just not the same. I feel like I'm cheating on my laptop.

Going back to work was just as exciting as I thought it'd be. I'm yet again reminded how apathetic I am about this job. My boss lives in la-la land that's all about appearances. He's been telling me he's the vice-president of the company, which is in fact, not true. His brother is the vice-president.

He acts like he manages the place, but all he really does is sign the time cards. He also does the books, but I think I do them better. It's pretty sad when everyone in the corporate office calls your lackey because you don't even know how to do the paperwork properly for the company you like to pretend you the vice-president of.

This could be my longest post ever. But I feel like I have a lot pent up. I haven't even gotten to what I really wanted to talk about. If any one actually reads this, I applaud you for making it this far.

Now that I'm married, the next question the husband and I wonder is, "What about kids?" We both really want children and would like to start sooner rather than later. Is there ever a time you're really ready for children?

I want to be a stay at home mom and my husband supports this. So do I get pregnant and then just quit my job? Do we try to save up a bunch of money before the baby? Do we move first?

Part of me wants to just quit my job and start trying for a baby and just become a house wife. That seriously appeals to me. I feel like working I'm not home enough, like I can't get anything done. I want to spend time with my husband when he comes home from work not do laundry and dishes the whole time.

Here's hoping. I'm a firm believer that everything will work out. The cards are what they are and the chips will fall however they are meant to.

15 Days

It is officially crunch time.

Today is my darling dearest's 26th Birthday. I feel like I let him down this year, but I promise his first birthday as my husband will be awesome. This wedding is just sucking the life out of everyone.

It is a super joyous time, but the stress from it all is making C-man and I feel sick almost all the time. It feels like we'll never get there from here, but in a few short weeks we'll be in Hawaii as husband and wife and we'll get to relax. Something that we both deserve.

I've been running the store where I work for the past week and I'm pleased that things are going smoothly. So far no mishaps and we're almost done with the week. I'm sure my boss will be pleased to find his store didn't run itself into the ground while he was gone.

I'm secretly hoping that the two weeks I'm gone from work this place turns into a storm of epic proportions. I know it's wrong to wish failure on my place of business, but I really want my boss to understand how valuable I am and all the work I do here.

He complains that I talk back. That I'm sick all the time. If he asks for my opinion I give it, he doesn't always like it, but I'm not one to cower from a person. Respect is earned, not given and they don't pay me enough here for me to fear for my job.

While I'm gone I'm refusing to answer my phone. Yet again, they don't pay me enough for me to be on call 24/7.

This past week at work without my boss has been positively blissful. No one barking at me to take care of their personal business. No one getting on my ass for how I do things.

Only 45 minutes left and then I get to head home. Then we need to get ready to leave for Seattle. It's going to be a long weekend, but I can't wait to see my niece.

Every little bit counts, right?