Negativitron

My dear Collin and I picked up Little Big Planet 2 on Tuesday and in this game there is a vacuum called the Negativitron that sucks up all the the awesome things in Craftworld.

Sometimes I feel like the negativitron.


Last night I was a horrible, terrible, no good fiancee. Sometimes I'm a bad daughter, or a bad sister. This time I was just a bad partner, and I hate that feeling more than anything else. That feeling that I've hurt Collin's feelings for no reason other than to make myself feel better.

I'll let you in on a little secret. It never makes me feel better.

With us getting married in only 59 days, I can't help but doubt my future abilities as a wife.

I have to get this off my chest:

I am a terrible house keeper. Keeping my house/room clean has never been something I'm good at. It could be that I let things get so out of control that I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. My bedroom usually looks something like this:


A. Sheets that need to be cleaned that are pulling off bed: Check!
B. Heaps on laundry on the floor (both clean and dirty): Oh-so-Check!
C. Shoes and other objects where they obviously don't belong: Yup!
D. A bit of trash here and there just to add to the 'derilicte' experience: Sure, why not!
E. Plants that need to be watered: Um-hmm...
F. A floor that need to be swept/vacuumed but you can't see it so you can't clean it: Yes, I have that too.

I've always had a room like that. For as long as I can remember. It seems I can only survive with chaos. I always seem to be able to find what I'm looking for and I never have guests in my house so I get a big lazy.

This wasn't a problem until Collin and I moved in together and had different ideas on what a house should be.

For him to be at peace, he needs a clean home to come home to. I don't blame him. I just wish I was better at providing that for him.

I keep hoping that when I have kids I'll start nesting and clean because they can't chose to live in a clean or dirty environment. It's unfair to raise them in a dirt pile. I have a hard enough time figuring out what my cats ate off the floor and barfed up.. I don't want to subject my unborn children to that.

So I add another thing to my never ending to-do list:
Start cleaning to be a better wife/mother and provide the home that my soon to be husband deserves. I know I can do it.. I just have to TRY!

Wedding madness and 2011 in general

It is now almost halfway through January 2011. I am 65 days away from being married and the anti-ca...... pation is setting in. There is so much to be done in such a short amount of time. I honestly have trouble justifying it all. So much money for a 5 hour party.

I would have married Collin last year in January in the hospital while his mom was there. We had talked about it. We thought his mom was going to get better, she didn't. Now we've planned a wedding in her absence with her money which just feels odd. I know that it's Collin's inheritance and he can spend it however he chooses. I just wonder if she would be happy with the choices we're making.

I have yet to have wedding nightmares, but I'm sure they're coming soon. I gained 5lbs after buying my wedding dress that I just can't seem to shake. There are moments where I imagine not being able to zip up my stupidly expensive dress. Here's hoping it will all work out in the end.

That's what I keep telling myself. Life will go back to normal after the wedding.

The life Collin and I share has been in upheaval for about a year now. Too many things have happened and our life has taken a beating. Our poor house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned since January last year.

January and February of '09 were spent in hospitals and nursing homes. March we were dealing with the immediate aftermath of Collin's mom's passing. Then we ended up with all of her things which are packed into our storage unit. At this point we have no idea what we took from her apartment. It's all a haze of mourning as if the black shroud that covered my heart also covered my memories in a thick fog.

After the mourning we set right into planning a wedding. There hasn't been time to process much of anything and I look forward to a time when I don't have to plan anything or be anywhere for any reason. I look forward to months of not going anywhere with my new husband.

In other news, in 67 days my brand new husband and I will be in Hawai'i. I can't wait to experience such a lush tropical place with my beloved. I'm hoping that Hawai'i will be the rebirth we need to get us back on track.

Mourning

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I grieve with the rest of my family. My cousin was in a plane crash. There were three others on board, all four perished. I think it is safe to say that hundreds of people are mourning right now. No one ever wants to bury a son or a daughter.

This is the 5th death within a year that has been way too close to home. I've lost 2 cousins, an Aunt, a future mother-in-law and the mother to my fiance's siblings. I look around me and find that it's some of the best people I know who are no longer with us.

My cousin's name was Brian. He was about four years older than me. I always remember laughing around him. Brian was an infectious person. He always had a smile on his face and a quick one liner to come back with. Honestly, one of the funniest people I've had the pleasure to know. I try now to think of actual jokes, but all I can think about is moments. Moments spent laughing.

Hold on to those you love a little tighter tonight, you never know what the next day will bring. Love openly and honestly and don't be afraid to tell people how much you love them. Sometimes, tomorrow is to late.

So Much To Say

To write it all down would take honestly forever. So to sum-up the past year since I've blogged I will use a nice bulleted list (with a timeline!).

• May 09 - August 09: Worked for the Seed Company. Hated it. Found a new job.
• August 09 - October 09: Worked for a winery in the wine lab. LOVED IT! But it was only for grape crush season. *sad face*
• October 09 - February 2010: Worked for a independent video game store. Pretty fun, learned to knit there and made my first friend in the Tri-Cities.
• February 2010: Got a job at a greenhouse as the assistant to the greenhouse manager.
  
• February 21, 2010 - my boyfriend of 6.5 years asked me to marry him after a beautiful Sunday Brunch. *super happy face*
• March 6, 2010 - my new fiance's mother passed away from complications caused by cancer. (The day after his 25th birthday no less) *super sad face*
• June 2010: got demoted from asst. to the greenhouse manager to a nursery sales associate. Found that I was much happier not working for the greenhouse manager from hell.

That pretty much catches us up to the present. I'm getting married in March 2011 and I'm starting to get excited for it. Planning is going well so far but there's still a lot to be done.

Currently I am helping my darling fiance plan his mother's memorial that will be held this weekend. We've been scanning pictures for slideshow, picking the music and trying to figure out how best to celebrate her life.

I'm making little favors of nasturtium seeds to give to those who attend. His mother had them in her garden every year and I think she'd be happy to see nasturtiums all over Washington.

Goodbye College Town

We got the house and we're hoping to sign the lease and move stuff in today. We're finally saying goodbye to this college town after five years of living here. It's hard to believe all the time that's gone by, but our era is done and it's really time we should be moving on.

Only bummer about moving on will be the lack of internet for god knows how long.

Here's hoping I can survive without my darling internet.

I think I'm going to be lost without you.

Waiting

Still waiting to hear if we got the place or not. Talked to the rent screening people and they should have it sent to the property people this afternoon. Hope to sign the lease and start moving stuff in tomorrow.

After some serious job drama, I do officially have the job. Because of some trouble I got in last July the temp agency wasn't sure if they would be able to hire me for liability reasons, but I assured them that everything in my past was taken care of. The temp agency reassured me that the company that I'll be working for knows about my past, likes me a lot, and actually wants me for the job. Lots of red tape to deal with and in the end they did a background check and I am A-O-K.

I start next Monday. I still can't believe that I'll make over $100 a day for working. The best I've ever done was $66 a day. Just to feel like I'm worth that much is awesome. If people thought I worked hard for $8 an hour, wait until they see what I can do now.

I'm so nervous about the new job. My first career job. I'm just SO NERVOUS.

I look forward to reading this post a week from today and seeing if I still feel nervous about the job.

I hope I like the job, but I'm the kind of person where liking the job doesn't really matter. Finding pride in the work you doing is what's important. Anyone who knows me would probably say I'm lazy, but the truth is, I know when to rest, and I know when to work. When I'm working, I work hard and long. I sweat and take few breaks. When I'm not working, I'm not working.

I like to think that I maximize my energy to output ratio.

Well, it's time to use some energy and output some progress.

Moving on

We've been packing almost non-stop for three days now. Most things are put away in boxes but there are still things here and there and the entire bedroom/master bathroom that have yet to be touched.

We wont even know if we got the place we looked at last Thursday until tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm really hoping for tomorrow. We put down a holding deposit so it's ours as long as we pass the renter screening. Which I'm sure we will, but it feels too perfect to just say it will happen.

The place we looked at is this adorable 2 bed/1 bath house with a 2 car garage, gas heat and stove, central air, automatic sprinklers. It is 100% perfect for us. Our families keep giving us a hard time because they feel it is too expensive, but the truth is we needed a garage and really wanted a washer/dryer in the place. We looked at many apartments in the area and to get one with the space we need and the amenities we want it would be at least $1000 a month, so $995 isn't the end of the world for a nice little house. At least my darling and I don't seem to think so.

I thought it would be a lot harder cleaning up two years of our lives, but it seems to all fit nicely into boxes. Little boxes. It's so weird to see everything you own all wrapped up and ready to be transported. The cats seems to know something is up. One seems to either have a bladder infection or is just so stressed that he wants to mark his territory, we just aren't sure.

Only time will tell, that's the mantra that we're living by at the moment.

It's hard to believe we're leaving this college town after five years, but I couldn't be happier. Just to think of all the different food choices and everything we're going to have in our new town. The excitement of starting a new job. To even have got the first job I applied for right out of college feels so good.

Now if we could just save up enough money for a washer or dryer and a couch (and actually get the place) our lives would be golden.

Here's hoping.