Negativitron

My dear Collin and I picked up Little Big Planet 2 on Tuesday and in this game there is a vacuum called the Negativitron that sucks up all the the awesome things in Craftworld.

Sometimes I feel like the negativitron.


Last night I was a horrible, terrible, no good fiancee. Sometimes I'm a bad daughter, or a bad sister. This time I was just a bad partner, and I hate that feeling more than anything else. That feeling that I've hurt Collin's feelings for no reason other than to make myself feel better.

I'll let you in on a little secret. It never makes me feel better.

With us getting married in only 59 days, I can't help but doubt my future abilities as a wife.

I have to get this off my chest:

I am a terrible house keeper. Keeping my house/room clean has never been something I'm good at. It could be that I let things get so out of control that I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. My bedroom usually looks something like this:


A. Sheets that need to be cleaned that are pulling off bed: Check!
B. Heaps on laundry on the floor (both clean and dirty): Oh-so-Check!
C. Shoes and other objects where they obviously don't belong: Yup!
D. A bit of trash here and there just to add to the 'derilicte' experience: Sure, why not!
E. Plants that need to be watered: Um-hmm...
F. A floor that need to be swept/vacuumed but you can't see it so you can't clean it: Yes, I have that too.

I've always had a room like that. For as long as I can remember. It seems I can only survive with chaos. I always seem to be able to find what I'm looking for and I never have guests in my house so I get a big lazy.

This wasn't a problem until Collin and I moved in together and had different ideas on what a house should be.

For him to be at peace, he needs a clean home to come home to. I don't blame him. I just wish I was better at providing that for him.

I keep hoping that when I have kids I'll start nesting and clean because they can't chose to live in a clean or dirty environment. It's unfair to raise them in a dirt pile. I have a hard enough time figuring out what my cats ate off the floor and barfed up.. I don't want to subject my unborn children to that.

So I add another thing to my never ending to-do list:
Start cleaning to be a better wife/mother and provide the home that my soon to be husband deserves. I know I can do it.. I just have to TRY!

Wedding madness and 2011 in general

It is now almost halfway through January 2011. I am 65 days away from being married and the anti-ca...... pation is setting in. There is so much to be done in such a short amount of time. I honestly have trouble justifying it all. So much money for a 5 hour party.

I would have married Collin last year in January in the hospital while his mom was there. We had talked about it. We thought his mom was going to get better, she didn't. Now we've planned a wedding in her absence with her money which just feels odd. I know that it's Collin's inheritance and he can spend it however he chooses. I just wonder if she would be happy with the choices we're making.

I have yet to have wedding nightmares, but I'm sure they're coming soon. I gained 5lbs after buying my wedding dress that I just can't seem to shake. There are moments where I imagine not being able to zip up my stupidly expensive dress. Here's hoping it will all work out in the end.

That's what I keep telling myself. Life will go back to normal after the wedding.

The life Collin and I share has been in upheaval for about a year now. Too many things have happened and our life has taken a beating. Our poor house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned since January last year.

January and February of '09 were spent in hospitals and nursing homes. March we were dealing with the immediate aftermath of Collin's mom's passing. Then we ended up with all of her things which are packed into our storage unit. At this point we have no idea what we took from her apartment. It's all a haze of mourning as if the black shroud that covered my heart also covered my memories in a thick fog.

After the mourning we set right into planning a wedding. There hasn't been time to process much of anything and I look forward to a time when I don't have to plan anything or be anywhere for any reason. I look forward to months of not going anywhere with my new husband.

In other news, in 67 days my brand new husband and I will be in Hawai'i. I can't wait to experience such a lush tropical place with my beloved. I'm hoping that Hawai'i will be the rebirth we need to get us back on track.