Pregnant for a day

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We haven't been trying very long and when I found out on Sunday the 20th I was pregnant we were both incredibly happy. But something just didn't feel right. We told our parents even though our guts said not to. I spent all day Monday calling midwives in the area and setting up appointments.

Then I started bleeding last night. Just like a period. Now I kick myself for taking that stupid pregnancy test. Had I waited for my period to be a week late and then taken the test, well, I wouldn't have had to take the test at all! I would have just thought that my period was extremely late.

Instead I feel like a failure.

I KNOW that these things happen. I KNOW I am lucky that it happened so early on, but it doesn't make the sting any less.

When I told my mom that I was bleeding I could hear in her voice how disappointed she was. Not in me, but in losing the grandchild she never had.

It went from having exciting Thanksgiving news to explaining to family that I miscarried. I. Miscarried.

Not the embryo spontaneously aborted, I miscarried. Just the name implies that you did it to yourself.

I'm sure there are people out there that would say this is my payback for having an abortion at 22. I'm sticking with cruel fate. Some things are meant to be, some aren't. Me having a baby in July just is something that isn't meant to be for now.

My husband is taking it well. We both feel that this is a blessing to allow us to save up more money and become more settled. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's hard right now.

How can you grieve for something you never really had in the first place?

I know eventually I'll be a mom, and honestly I'm in no rush. I'm happy to have a little more time, but sad too.

I am not alone, and I am not the first woman to miscarry. I will make it through this and in the end I'll have a beautiful family.