Pregnancy and body image

I promise that my next post will be fun, creative and not serious. But for today, you're going to have to deal with a little bit of seriousness.

I'll start with some good news just to get us started. Now that I've officially entered my 5th month of pregnancy I'm starting to feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I can finally eat what I would like to (for the most part, still no turkey sandwiches :-( ) and I don't throw up nearly as much as I used to. I still have not so good days, but they are thankfully fewer and farther between. I've got a ton more energy and I'm starting to feel like me again which after 4 months of feeling like hungover zombie, I'm more than thankful for.

But there are other issues I'm struggling with.

You may or may not know this about me, but I suffer from really low self-esteem and complete lack of healthy body image. I've felt fat for as long as I can remember. Like all the way back to being 11.

I had a chubby phase in elementary school and was made fun of about it. Kids would moo at me, tell me to eat the salad bar but then tell me not to eat it all. I once had a girl tell me in the most disgusted manner she could muster that she saw how much butter I put on my bread. I was in 4th grade at the time and it really messed up my psyche. I also had an older brother who used every opportunity to remind me that I was fat. After a couple years of this, I began to believe them. Everyone must be seeing something that I don't. They must be right.

After I went through puberty and grew a few inches I wasn't fat anymore but I still felt like it. In fact, most people would probably say I'm thin-ish. I'm only 5'3" and in high school weighed 115lbs. I was too fat then. I was too fat in college when I weighed 125 lbs.

At one point in college I had gained the dreaded freshIman 15 putting me at 138 lbs and one of Collin's friends remarked to him that, "Man, Jenessa's gotten fat." Collin then for some reason decided to tell me this information. My relationship with that friend of his was never the same after that.

After Collin's friend said I was fat, 138 became my 'scary weight'. That's the weight I feel essentially obese at. Sadly, at that weight my BMI is a little over 25 so I'd barely be considered over weight.

Obviously these body issues are all in my head...

And now I'm pregnant. My body is practically changing daily and it's been really hard for me. I felt 15lbs over weight before I got pregnant. Remember this post? Literally days after I wrote that I found out I was pregnant. A week after that began the epic battle with morning sickness.

So I started this whole pregnancy thing in an uncomfortable place body wise. I'm currently 140lbs. The exact same weight I was when I got pregnant 17 weeks ago. I'm grateful for that. But I'm still mourning the loss of my body.

Being pregnant is a beautiful and magical thing and I'm blessed to be creating life, but it's also hard having a closet full of clothes and having nothing fit. It's depressing walking into a store and suddenly not knowing what size to try on.

Okay, enough whining. I just had to write this in case there are other pregnant ladies out there struggling with this too.

1,000 Origami Cranes

There's an ancient Japanese legend that someone who folds 1,000 paper cranes will have one wish granted by a crane. The act of folding 1,000 cranes is called Senbazuru. I've always loved origami and have always wanted to do this. I have decided to make 1,000 paper cranes for my little baby baking in my oven. I'm putting all my hopes and love into each one and will hang it in the baby's room. I hope it's something they'll think is cool and hold on to.

When I was in high-school I just happened to buy a box of tiny origami paper. It was multicolored and seemed like a great deal. Later on I found a crane pattern on the bottom of the box. Now over a decade later I was able to put two and two together and realized that all those years ago I had purchased my own Senbazuru set of 1005 sheets of tiny origami paper. In my defense all the writing on the box is in Japanese so I really had no idea what I was working with.

Sadly I used quite a bit of it before I realized what it was for so I'll have to supplement from my regular origami paper collection and make some full sized cranes.

So far I have 36 tiny cranes (35 in pale pink, 1 medium pink). Ever wondered what 35 paper cranes look like? Wonder no more:

35 pink paper cranes = 3.5% DONE!

If I keep up this pace I could be done in a month. That's my goal.

Pregnant Dreams

Last night I dreamt about:

• My husband and I hanging out in the woods. I see two foxes acting aggressive in a steam. Then Collin sees a skunk. I turn around and watch the skunk climb the tree. When I look back at Collin there is a second skunk and it sprayed near him. We then had to exit though very thick mud, very slowly so as not to make the pair of skunks upset.

• Getting a manicure after having broken three nails. In reality I broke a nail last night and I must have been more upset about it than I thought.

There was more that I can't seem to remember, but those two stood out. It's amazing how vivid and detailed they were. In my dreams I kept telling people I was pregnant.  Like it was important information that explained every situation I was in.

Being pregnant is very strange at times.

I'm happy to report that the past two days I have successfully left the whole night through. I've also had vegetables two days in a row and not thrown them up. While I still have nausea, I'm sleeping better and throwing up less and it seems like the biggest victory in a long time. I'm hoping I feel awesome for Our first wedding anniversary coming up.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Little Victories

Yesterday was Collin's Birthday and I had pretty bad morning sickness most of the day.

It all started with my 3:30am wake-up call and having no yogurt (or food really) in the house. I tried to choke down crackers but it just wasn't working. I ended up heading back to bed like usual only to wake up again at 8:30am feeling even worse and more exhausted than I knew possible. I literally walked into the guest bedroom to get something, sat down, and then woke up an hour and a half later.

By the time I made it down stairs I was convinced the day was going to be a wash. Normally I don't care when morning sickness stops me from doing anything because I don't have anything to do. Yesterday I actually had a ton of stuff to do. I still had to put the finishing touches on Collin's birthday.

Birthday's are incredibly important to me. Sure you share your birthday with millions, but you can't deny that your birthday always feels like a special day. A day in time just for you. A day to celebrate your many years on earth and to hope for the future.

My husband certainly deserves to be celebrated. I do my best to celebrate him every day because he's so awesome to me. He's the poster husband for how men should be while their wife is pregnant. But the one day of the year I wanted to really, REALLY, celebrate him; I felt sicker than a dog.

By the end of the day I managed to print off a gift card and find a birthday card I made to give to him. I also gave him Chrono Trigger for SNES. I'm pretty sure Chrono trigger alone would have made his entire month. After he got off work, we went to a candy store and bought him some treats for his birthday. Does it sound like we're 8 year-olds? We probably are. And it's awesome.

Then we went out to P.F. Changs for his birthday meal. It was the first meal I'd had in over a month where I didn't feel the need to be picky. I ate the things I would normally eat, they all stayed down and then to top it all off, I slept for 7 hours straight last night. Which is my new record over the past month. I couldn't believe it. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 7:20. It was pretty damn magical.

A birthday miracle perhaps?

Collin had a great birthday and felt loved and celebrated and that was all I truly wanted. To give him a night that wasn't about me feeling sick, or being pregnant. A day to just talk about what he wanted and do what he wanted. It was the best day I've had in a long time.

You're killing me, smalls!

Hi, readers. I have some exciting news! I've been trying to keep my mouth shut, but I just can't any longer.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today!

I was hoping to hold out mentioning anything until 12 weeks or we heard a heart beat after past experiences, but when you're excited it's nice to share good news.

Oh, and I'm dying of morning sickness and I don't think I can hide it anymore.

Add a bathrobe and a layer of sweat and it's pretty close to what I look like.

As a food blogger/general lover of food I'm pretty miserable. At the moment food is both my best friend and my mortal enemy, which I'm finding a hard line to walk.

I have to keep eating every 3 hours. Somewhat like the movie Speed, if my blood sugar drops to a certain level I explode in a storm of upchucking that would make even the skinniest model both nervous and proud. At one point in time I was worried I ruptured a blood vessel near my eyebrow as every time I'd have a bout of morning sickness it felt like my skull was trying to find a way through my skin and escape my body entirely. I don't blame it for trying.

Once this ick sets in, I know I need to eat something.
But once the ick sets in, nothing sounds good. Even things that sound good, once you're faced with them become intolerable. I have a few constant friends so far, bagels and cheerios. Two things that once eaten will keep me in a reasonably good mood for at least 3 hours.

One day baby carrots were my savior, last night they were my downfall.

I wake up every morning and tell myself that the awful sickness I feel is in fact a comforting reassurance that I'm still pregnant. I tell myself when I wake up in the middle of the night that I'm baking a damn good bun, and that I'll hopefully feel better in 6 weeks or so. I'm also secretly hoping my blood work will come back saying I'm farther along than I really am and that the end of morning sickness is near. A girl can wish.

Then I ponder all the women before me who've made it through this before or who have had it worse. I think of their strength and try to use it to bolster my own. I think of the women who so desperately wish they could feel morning sickness but have to fight just to get pregnant. I think of their strength and keep fighting for them, not wasting the gift I've been given.

Despite what anyone might tell you, getting pregnant is not easy*. Being pregnant isn't easy either.

* It seems like if you're trying it's not easy, but once you stop trying you get knocked up. That's been my experience anyway. It's pretty much a crap shoot.

Pregnant for a day

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We haven't been trying very long and when I found out on Sunday the 20th I was pregnant we were both incredibly happy. But something just didn't feel right. We told our parents even though our guts said not to. I spent all day Monday calling midwives in the area and setting up appointments.

Then I started bleeding last night. Just like a period. Now I kick myself for taking that stupid pregnancy test. Had I waited for my period to be a week late and then taken the test, well, I wouldn't have had to take the test at all! I would have just thought that my period was extremely late.

Instead I feel like a failure.

I KNOW that these things happen. I KNOW I am lucky that it happened so early on, but it doesn't make the sting any less.

When I told my mom that I was bleeding I could hear in her voice how disappointed she was. Not in me, but in losing the grandchild she never had.

It went from having exciting Thanksgiving news to explaining to family that I miscarried. I. Miscarried.

Not the embryo spontaneously aborted, I miscarried. Just the name implies that you did it to yourself.

I'm sure there are people out there that would say this is my payback for having an abortion at 22. I'm sticking with cruel fate. Some things are meant to be, some aren't. Me having a baby in July just is something that isn't meant to be for now.

My husband is taking it well. We both feel that this is a blessing to allow us to save up more money and become more settled. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's hard right now.

How can you grieve for something you never really had in the first place?

I know eventually I'll be a mom, and honestly I'm in no rush. I'm happy to have a little more time, but sad too.

I am not alone, and I am not the first woman to miscarry. I will make it through this and in the end I'll have a beautiful family.