Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Pregnant for a day

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. We haven't been trying very long and when I found out on Sunday the 20th I was pregnant we were both incredibly happy. But something just didn't feel right. We told our parents even though our guts said not to. I spent all day Monday calling midwives in the area and setting up appointments.

Then I started bleeding last night. Just like a period. Now I kick myself for taking that stupid pregnancy test. Had I waited for my period to be a week late and then taken the test, well, I wouldn't have had to take the test at all! I would have just thought that my period was extremely late.

Instead I feel like a failure.

I KNOW that these things happen. I KNOW I am lucky that it happened so early on, but it doesn't make the sting any less.

When I told my mom that I was bleeding I could hear in her voice how disappointed she was. Not in me, but in losing the grandchild she never had.

It went from having exciting Thanksgiving news to explaining to family that I miscarried. I. Miscarried.

Not the embryo spontaneously aborted, I miscarried. Just the name implies that you did it to yourself.

I'm sure there are people out there that would say this is my payback for having an abortion at 22. I'm sticking with cruel fate. Some things are meant to be, some aren't. Me having a baby in July just is something that isn't meant to be for now.

My husband is taking it well. We both feel that this is a blessing to allow us to save up more money and become more settled. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's hard right now.

How can you grieve for something you never really had in the first place?

I know eventually I'll be a mom, and honestly I'm in no rush. I'm happy to have a little more time, but sad too.

I am not alone, and I am not the first woman to miscarry. I will make it through this and in the end I'll have a beautiful family.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Autumn Adventures

So I said I would post fall pictures I took awhile back and here I am getting around to it.

Today was a very cold, very gray day. I did wake up early which was a pleasant change from the past week or so. On top of waking up early I also managed to get a decent amount of work done around the house. Cleaned the bedroom, did laundry, and started working on unpacking the guest bedroom. As I had such a productive day I feel I can spend some time posting pictures.

Enjoy.

A bike rider, taken while driving

Fall from my Dashboard, taken while driving

Horse and Birch

Fall in the Desert




Pond

Fall Reflections

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Oh man..

I've been so tired lately. Recently moved a few towns over and still don't quite feel settled in. Thought I would blog just to say I'm alive and that I'll have something important to say soon. I took some fall pictures the other day and as soon as I get a chance I'll post them, I swear!