Pregnancy and body image

I promise that my next post will be fun, creative and not serious. But for today, you're going to have to deal with a little bit of seriousness.

I'll start with some good news just to get us started. Now that I've officially entered my 5th month of pregnancy I'm starting to feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I can finally eat what I would like to (for the most part, still no turkey sandwiches :-( ) and I don't throw up nearly as much as I used to. I still have not so good days, but they are thankfully fewer and farther between. I've got a ton more energy and I'm starting to feel like me again which after 4 months of feeling like hungover zombie, I'm more than thankful for.

But there are other issues I'm struggling with.

You may or may not know this about me, but I suffer from really low self-esteem and complete lack of healthy body image. I've felt fat for as long as I can remember. Like all the way back to being 11.

I had a chubby phase in elementary school and was made fun of about it. Kids would moo at me, tell me to eat the salad bar but then tell me not to eat it all. I once had a girl tell me in the most disgusted manner she could muster that she saw how much butter I put on my bread. I was in 4th grade at the time and it really messed up my psyche. I also had an older brother who used every opportunity to remind me that I was fat. After a couple years of this, I began to believe them. Everyone must be seeing something that I don't. They must be right.

After I went through puberty and grew a few inches I wasn't fat anymore but I still felt like it. In fact, most people would probably say I'm thin-ish. I'm only 5'3" and in high school weighed 115lbs. I was too fat then. I was too fat in college when I weighed 125 lbs.

At one point in college I had gained the dreaded freshIman 15 putting me at 138 lbs and one of Collin's friends remarked to him that, "Man, Jenessa's gotten fat." Collin then for some reason decided to tell me this information. My relationship with that friend of his was never the same after that.

After Collin's friend said I was fat, 138 became my 'scary weight'. That's the weight I feel essentially obese at. Sadly, at that weight my BMI is a little over 25 so I'd barely be considered over weight.

Obviously these body issues are all in my head...

And now I'm pregnant. My body is practically changing daily and it's been really hard for me. I felt 15lbs over weight before I got pregnant. Remember this post? Literally days after I wrote that I found out I was pregnant. A week after that began the epic battle with morning sickness.

So I started this whole pregnancy thing in an uncomfortable place body wise. I'm currently 140lbs. The exact same weight I was when I got pregnant 17 weeks ago. I'm grateful for that. But I'm still mourning the loss of my body.

Being pregnant is a beautiful and magical thing and I'm blessed to be creating life, but it's also hard having a closet full of clothes and having nothing fit. It's depressing walking into a store and suddenly not knowing what size to try on.

Okay, enough whining. I just had to write this in case there are other pregnant ladies out there struggling with this too.